V-Day on Instagram

Would You Like To Play A Game?

Tomorrow is Valentines Day. It’s one of our most posting centric holidays. Every post feels so pointed, as does everyone’s silence. It’s a high energy day for people like me who love gossip. Because there is so much gossip, we need a way to categorize  and keep track of it all. Luckily I’ve been at this for years and I will show you how and play a game that brings me joy every year. 

First make a little list in your head. It does not have to be comprehensive, of people in your circles, on instagram, who you know are in a relationship. That girl from your high school who got married really young, the influencer who you hate follow, your friend from camp. Various people who, last time you checked, were very vocal about being in a relationship. 

Second make a list of people who you swear are single. These people post frequently, you maybe even see them IRL from time to time. There is not a significant other in sight. Maybe there’s a rumored sneaky link but nothing serious. Definitely not a main grid post, or even a soft launch. These people are for all intents and purposes, single. To the general public, they do not have a partner that they are presenting to the world. 

These lists, and this understanding of your various social circles and instagram followings will provide the basis of the game. If these lists do not come naturally, you can confer with your close friends and come up with a list together. Once you have your lists and your judgment of the current relationship landscape, you need to create a new document in your notes app, or whatever note taking app you prefer. Evernote, Notion, a piece of paper, all work, it doesn’t matter as long as you can edit it as the day goes on. 

In the note, you will create three categories. Ongoing relationships confirmed, New relationships revealed, and break ups. As the day goes on you will keep a tally of all of these things. Ongoing relationships confirmed is easy. These people either post frequently with their significant other or have not broken up with them since last valentines day (or their birthday). The second one is my favorite. I love the culture of the boyfriend soft launch. Loving the culture means loving the entire spectrum. It’s one thing to soft launch on a random Tuesday or weekend in the summer. What’s the least amount of man you can put on an instagram story and still have people understand that he’s your boyfriend? The other end of this spectrum is saying nothing about a man who basically lives with you until Valentine’s day. It’s the long game and I will always support the long game. Quietly joining the ranks of boyfriend girlies months ago and saying nothing publicly until the day when everyone does. It’s genius. Nobody will notice. Except me. I always notice. 

Breakups is the most difficult to parse. It’s not always clear if someone isn’t posting because they are no longer in a relationship or because they simply don’t believe in it. This one requires a bit of research, when was the last time they posted? Is he still on the grid? Are they all too cool to be involved in all this posting? Some vibes you know immediately and some need to be sussed out. 

At the end of the day, you compare your list with others. You “win” by having the most in either the new relationships revealed category or the most in the break ups category. But the game is not about winning. It’s about playing. It’s about making a day that is insufferable fun. It’s also not about keeping a list of names. This game is about numbers. It’s not about detailed lists of petty gossip with full government names. Something that one should never ever do. (Not for moral reasons, but for plausible deniability.) The data you collect on this day is for the sole purpose of collecting data. 

Social media is a panopticon. Instagram is a hellscape designed to torture the brains of everyone but specifically young girls. Valentine’s day is corporate holiday invented by greeting card companies to get people to spend money they don't have. Romantic love was invented to manipulate women. It’s all evil and it’s all bad and this is how I get my piece of the pie. There’s nothing to complain about if you don’t post. We can either feel bad about ourselves for not living up to the expectations of a society designed to exploit us or we can have a little fun with it. Or you can go off the grid… but who would want to do that? 

Anyway, that's the game. Have fun with it.  Send me your results on Monday. Happy Hunting. :)