When I was a child I wanted to be a Fashion Designer. This is the next best thing for me. I am going to judge the looks from last night’s Met Gala for my newsletter. This is as much about the fashion as it is the memes. Once again, it’s my newsletter and I can be a judgemental bitch about whatever topic I choose.
Originally I was going to all of the looks but the slideshow on Vogue.com is 172 slides long and I love this but no one is paying me and I have a Dodger game to get to. I’m just doing the best and worst. Most noteworthy and most notorious. Nicki Minaj going in the regular Meme Report. Other memes going in the Meme Report. This is a separate document where I offer unbridled fashion criticism. Let’s get started.
Let's address the theme. Here it is in Vogue’s own words
“What does American fashion mean? Andrew Bolton, the Wendy Yu Curator in Charge of the Costume Institute, already seems a little exasperated by the question when I arrive for a preview of his new exhibition, “In America: A Lexicon of Fashion.” It’s not that Bolton doesn’t want to define it—he settles on heterogeneity, diversity, and pluralism as three words to define American fashion—but it’s more that he thinks “the idea of reducing American fashion down to one definition is totally antithetical to what the exhibition is about.”
So nothing. It’s vague and annoying and weird. It’s a bad theme and even worse that there’s very little definition. Celebrities like most people need clear directives. This could mean anything. So it might not be as cut and dry to judge theme as it was with Camp or Catholicism or any of the other previous themes. However that’s never stopped me before. We were always going to be disappointed after Camp but no one could have predicted how bad it would be.
Onto the Judging:
Each celebrity will get a score out of 5 in four categories.
1.How dressed to theme they are
2.How good they look in general
3.How good they look based on how famous they are (the Kacey Musgraves rule)
4. Chatter
Listen if you fit the theme you fit the theme. No one can hold that against you if you do follow basic instructions.
It doesn’t mean I have to like it! You can get a 5 on theme and a 1 on looks! You can be dressed to theme and still be ugly and I will be holding that against you here.
Kacey Musgraves nailed her camp look in a way only Kacey Musgraves could. Had Lady Gaga done Moschino Barbie I would be underwhelmed, but she didn’t. Rihanna gets a five in this category every year (except this one) The Kardashian-Jenners can do well in this category because I have low expectations for them. Random models do poorly because they’re not that famous and therefore have nothing to lose and insist on making boring choices anyway. The Met Gala is about knowing your place in the food chain. Kissing the right rings (and being young, rich, white, and skinny) to get where you are.
How much Chatter did your look generate? Were there memes? Were those memes good? I don’t have time to explain it all but I’m accounting for all of that with this score. If someone generated a lot of chatter but that chatter was low quality they’re not getting a high score. AOC, Dan Levy, etc.
LIST
This celebrities are in order with the Vogue Slideshow. I would suggest following along with that list in another window if the looks are not currently top of mind.
Rihanna and A$ap Rocky
Theme 4
Look 3
Fame 3
Chatter 3
Rihanna got a boyfriend and got boring. She must love him deeply. There’s always next year. A$AP at least wore an American designer.
Natalia Bryant
Theme 5
Look 3
Fame 4
Chatter 3
I don’t mean this in a mean way but she looks happy. I think it was a fun choice and I want to reward originality.
Whoopi Goldberg and Carey Mulligan
Theme 3
Look 4
Fame 5
Chatter 0
No one was talking about these two. Are they besties? No one but me cares but I wish I was there! I love those two women and I wish we were friends.
Hunter Schafer
Theme 2
Look 3
Fame 3
Chatter 2
The weird thing about this look is that were she at the 2017 or 2016 Met Gala it would have killed. That’s why it bothers me. It would have been fun and interesting in those years and is neither this year. She’s capable of being fun but incapable of being on theme.
Zoe Kravitz
Theme 3
Look 4
Fame 5
Chatter 3
She can do whatever she wants, she’s Zoe Kravitz. But I personally would like it more if it were more unique. I’m not always a fan of hot people just showing off how hot there are with very little creativity. At least when Rihanna did this she had a head piece and feathers.
Cara Delevingne
Theme 1
Look 1
Fame 1
Chatter 3
God awful stupid and boring. Also started Pegging discourse.
Kendall Jenner
Theme 2
Look 3
Fame 3
Chatter 2
What I dislike the most about this look is everyone kept saying it was based on an Audrey Hepburn look. Barely. So barely. If you can think of the look without any googling I’m proud of you but there’s just no way.
Gigi Hadid
Theme 4
Look 3
Fame 4
Chatter 1
I hate to say it but I like this. I think it's very basic but a little fun. More people should have gone for 60s Hollywood Glamour, especially if they weren’t going with an American designer. The thing about the Met Gala is that people set the bar for following instructions so low that when someone actually does it they are given high praise.
Kim Kardashian
Theme 2
Look 4
Fame 3
Chatter 3
Wouldn’t this look have been so fun for camp? One of the most photographed women in the world who is known for her face and body coming in a dress where can’t see her face or body? What a world that would have been.
Erykah Badu
Theme 4
Look 3
Fame 4
Chatter 1
More people should have been talking about this look! Similar to both Kim K and Rihanna but an American designer and more fun.
Frank Ocean
Theme 2
Look 5
Fame 5
Chatter 3
Great Baby. Easily one of the top ten babies.
Kacey Musgraves
Theme 4
Look 2
Fame 2
Chatter 1
Indefensible Flop Era.
JLo
Theme 5
Look 4
Fame 5
Chatter 4
Lupita Nyongo
Theme 5
Look 5
Fame 5
Chatter 3
Simply not enough chatter for this perfect look! That’s the fault of the chatterers not Lupita!
AOC
Theme 5
Look 1
Fame 1
Chatter 1
Looked like Joy Villa, sparked the stupid unending discourse about whether shes more symbol than politician. She’s both. I hate this dress. She shouldn’t have gone and she should have quietly declined the invitation but also she’s 30 and hot and anything we think the met gala means for her career was already true before she put on that AWFUL dress.
Ciara
Theme 5
Look 5
Fame 5
Chatter 3
A dress that makes one say “CIAAAAARAAAAAAAA” the way they do at the beginning of One Two Step.
Addison Rae
Theme 3
Look 2
Fame 2
Chatter 2
She needs to stop making it easy for people to think she’s a lower class of celebrity.
Kim Petras
Theme 5
Look 5
Fame 5
Chatter 5
Favorite look of the night.
Iman
Theme 5
Look 5
Fame 5
Chatter 3
Grimes
Theme 2
Look 3
Fame 3
Chatter 2
Grimes is STRUGGLING to be relevant.
Lil Nas X
Theme 2
Look 4
Fame 5
Chatter 4
Sue me! I liked it!
Troye Sivan
Theme 2
Look 2
Fame 2
Chatter 2
If you’re gonna do “Twink in a dress” at least make it interesting.
Billie Eilish
Theme 5
Look 3
Fame 3
Chatter 2
Billie Eilish and I have the same body type except I’m a foot taller than her. I don’t know why her stylist or whoever insists that because she’s got big boobs and meat on her bones she has to dress like an old woman or Big Pun. I want to grab her and tell her she can dress well and still look her age. I liked the look but she doesn’t have to go vintage to be sexy.
Barbie Ferreira
Theme 5
Look 4
Fame 5
Chatter 3
See Barbie Ferreira dressed sexy and vintage and still looks 24! It’s possible!
Ella Emhoff
Theme 2
Look 2
Fame 1
Chatter 1
Dan Levy
Theme
Look 0
Fame 1
Chatter 2
Does Dan Levy know he’s not the first gay celebrity? Don’t they have Will and Grace in Canada?
Carolyn B Maloney
Theme 3
Look 0
Fame 1
Chatter 3
I do not care about the ERA. I think a $20 minimum wage, Medicare for all, and the Green New Deal would do more for most women in this country than the ERA.
Kaia Gerber
Theme 4
Look 5
Fame 5
Chatter 0
She wasn’t even in the vogue slideshow. I wish more people had just outright copied people from the past. It would have been more fun.
Notes
Someone had to do the stars and stripes forever and I’m glad it was Debbie Harrie and not someone more fun.
I can’t believe Georgina Chapman’s still invited
Surprised there wasn’t more Coach
Surprised that there was NO Marc Jacobs or Rodarte
Since Everyone is asking, here is what I would have worn, had I been invited.
This newsletter is so good because it does exactly what the met gala failed to do: provide a clear criterion that allows for leeway, hot takes, and an overall expertly useless opinion. Brava.