Behind Every Hot Girl is a Deep History With
I’m bored of this narrative. Whatever power and relevance the proverbial “hot girl” had on the internet is long gone. I don’t know if it is disingenuous or just tired, but I hate that “hot girl” means just anyone trying to feel better about themselves. It’s obvious attempt at a confidence booster that has become more flimsy as time has gone on. It’s not that we need strict parameters for who is and isn’t hot but it’s just lame to me to that we’ve turned hot girl into this kind of us generic band aid term to cover up an insecurity. As time has gone on, it’s gone from proud reclamation by the confident crowd to a spotlight on insecurity. Trying to give undesirable traits a hot girl rebrand in 2023, comes off even more self conscious than not saying anything it all.
Combine this lackluster attempt at self esteem with a cheap nostalgia play and we have this meme. It’s not as definitive as meme like “hot girls have tummy issues” and “hot girls can’t drive” which is at least some attempt as a cohesive identity for hot girls. This is just everyone naming a tv show they used to watch or a craft they used to do. People love it because it gives them a chance to label themselves a hot girl, instead of an insufferable nerd, which is probably closer to the truth.
Apple VR headset
It’s reductive and mean but that doesn’t make it any less true that the tech nerds who control our lives just want to live in the computer. They want a world free of face to face human interaction. Now that Apple has designed a version of VR that works with iOS, they’re about to get their way. Unless we all make fun of it really hard. We have to use the best strategy we have, bullying to keep our world real. If you spend $3000 for the ability to live in your iPhone, you’re an idiot nerd and we should be able to give you a swirly. We’ve been doing a good job so far but we need to keep up the good work. If we see anyone outside of San Francisco wearing one of these, we have to make fun of them. Shame them into not wearing them out in public. We’ve done it before, when that girl told everyone to stop wearing their apple watches at weddings. We can do it again.
On another note, I’ve been spending a lot of time in the For You tab on Twitter because I like that it shuffles my friends tweets to the top, out of chronological order. However, once I run out of mutuals’s tweets, I am sent into the chaos of the riffraff. Once I leave the familiar world of my circle, I am surrounded only by blue checks. As far as the eye can see there is nothing by the worst class of social media user ever created. They are bad enough on any given day, but the people who pay for Twitter to be noticed by Elon musk, are exceptionally awful on Apple keynote day. They all keep saying things like “pretty exciting stuff” and talking about how revolutionary it all is. Gag me with a spoon! I always knew these people existed but now they are the preferred user of my favorite website. I have to see them every day. I have to share the sandbox and I’m not happy about it! Twitter used to be a place where I could keep up with my favorite writers and comedians and pick up on hot gossip. Now I have to sift through tweets written by people who worship at the church of the Apple store.
Queer Platonic Group Chat
Happy Pride! At first I thought someone was trying to pass off this incredible piece of creative writing as their own new thing. A stolen tweet, dusted off for this month of celebration. Instead, I see that we all recognize this micro fiction and it has been elevated to the status of copypasta. A story without an acknowledged author, passed down through written tradition nonetheless. This one may be indecipherable to anyone over the age of 30 but it’s indicative of behaviors and personality we all bore witness to. Or at least those of us familiar with the terms “GSA” “tumblr” and “split attraction model”. It defines a moment, an era, and a belief system. There’s almost a nostalgia to it, but not the sentimental longing. The pain from an old would.
TikTok
Cool cats Don’t Gatekeep (Amazon Finds For Their Cat)
The algorithm is broken. The embarrassment of desire is mirrored back to us tenfold every time we so much as click on an Instagram ad. A cat bed shaped like a tangerine pops up in between sunsets and dinners and close friends stories. The curious internet user clicks and suddenly, everyone is aware of their desire to buy feline accessories. Three (3) videos in a ROW on the For You page of an entirely different app, are advertising Amazon storefronts with an adage about a woman’s right to gatekeep. I don’t even want to buy a cat bed! I was just looking!
This Event is Being Compared to…
Teenagers are the funniest people on earth. They are dramatic in both their failures and accomplishments. Everything that happens to them, happens on the scale of world history. They are not dulled by perspective yet. Late May and Early June increase their predisposition for hyperbole, as the adults in their lives are feeding into it. Finals and graduation and college acceptance and summer jobs and prom are all happening at once, each equally important. Every day is the most important day they’ve ever had. This trend illustrates, and to some degree makes fun of this very predilection of the teenage mind. They’re right, opening the restaurant hungover is comparable to the Michael Jordan Flu game. Even if it happens every day, that doesn’t make it any less heroic.
10/10!!!! "People love it because it gives them a chance to label themselves a hot girl, instead of an insufferable nerd, which is probably closer to the truth."
Bring 👏🏻 back 👏🏻 bullying 👏🏻