The Submergible
Remember in Mad Men, Roger’s daughter has her wedding on the same day as the Kennedy assassination? That’s the best example I can think of in fiction as living through history. The momentous occasions and the everyday, both overshadowed by the news. The hours of your life are connected not by what you did or who you talked to but by what news was available to you when. The great thing about this event was that it did not have any great effect on the world at large. We were waiting for news and either way, we would continue on. It was all anyone could talk about, or joke about. To me, the jokes got funnier as time went on. Day 1, I thought it was just that day's internet discourse. Day 3, I was refreshing Twitter for the newest takes. It was a family guy bit that starts funny, then gets annoying, then gets incredibly funny as time goes on.
It could not be an internet topic without discourse. This one was the most virtuous discourse we’ve had in a while. Mostly because no one wanted to fight about safety regulations and how to implement them. We had to go for Submarine News: Funny or Mean? The answer is both! Things can be morbid and also funny. Also the farther removed we are from something the easier it is to joke about, and I don’t know about you all but I’ve never felt farther removed from the middle of the Atlantic Ocean than I did this week. Those of us on terra firma, felt free to joke because there was no way to conceive of this tragedy being anything we would think about once it was over. The jokes were fun, the facts were fun, and the scolds were just trying to be right, not actually empathetic. Also, the people using the piece of pop culture news to scold about The Migrants felt distasteful. It just seems odd to me to almost never comment on Serious News and then suddenly become armchair editor-in-chief of everyone’s Twitter when we’re all having fun talking about something else. To then scold everyone for not talking about a tragedy you also just heard about, feels disingenuous. Everyone involved is using the tragedy to stroke their ego. Some want to get a few laughs and others want to feel virtuous and correct. Only one of them is being honest about it though.
There’s more to talk about of course. James Cameron’s post-game analysis (If I was there It wouldn’t have gone down like that), the amount of submarine knowledge we’ve all gained (you will not catch me making a submersible out of second-run fiberglass). All the new things we learned about the one guy's stepson (Blink 182 fan, sex pest, racist). All of those facets kept me going in my constant scroll but the final bell was chimed by the Internet’s worst character, Mr.Beast, who claimed he was invited on the expedition. His claim was dubious, mostly because the text in the screenshot was blue, meaning he sent the message. His only proof was him telling someone else that he was invited. A lie we’ve all told to hide our embarrassment. Once the man with no personality, dazzle, or charm tried to hitch his wagon to the greatest story of the year, I knew we had to stop. The well was poisoned. He didn’t even have the showmanship to Photoshop it. His Madison Beer moment reeked of desperation, rather the sparkle and poison of a vulture's grift.
Goat Girl
This is a jangling keys meme. A simple shiny object to occupy a young mind. It’s very classic for gay guys to find some random cartoon character of indeterminate origin and call her queen, mother, cunt server extraordinaire, etc. You’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all. There’s nothing special about the Czech cartoon character, just like there wasn’t anything special about the American cartoon character from before, and there won’t be anything special about the Slovakian cartoon character they find next month. Happy Pride to her but she’ll go back into the toy box to be forgotten, just like all the other ones before her.
Russian Coup
Just as quickly as the submarine captured our hearts and attention last week, it was out of our minds as soon as the next thing happened. While it was easy for us all to become fascinated by the sub, anything involving Russia requires a bit of explanation. Good thing there were suddenly a lot of experts willing to write us unhelpful analogies! This meme feels like somewhat of a return to form. When the people populating Twitter were journalists and we all had our fingers on the pulse of world events and understood them enough to joke about them. Now we don’t understand anything so we have to make jokes about that.
Some of Y’all Would Melt Down In This Situation
I think my favorite thing about this meme is the literal interpretations and the personalization. There are too many different kinds of online person now, but the problem is we’re all kind of the same. Everyone creating their own can’t see the forest for the trees. It doesn’t matter if you’re a letterboxd, cold brew, my year of rest and relaxation girl, or a Cormac McCarthy, monster energy, banana flavored vape boy, we’re missing the point. We would all melt down without our online vices. Without our defining consumption habits, we would lose our personalities. The variations all seem to say “My consumption habits are different. This is what I would melt down about” We forget that we’re all losing ourselves to our apps and our elf bars and thinking it’s unique self-expression.
Tonight Queen?
We are losing this meme to the normies. In the throws of the pandemic, true believers turned to solace in the internet and Borat 2. Borat 2 tonite queen kept us strong through the cold dark winter of 2020 into 2021. It’s been around long enough that we’ve lost it to the White House Twitter account. It’s sad to see it go, but I hope the rest of you will treat her with the respect she deserves.
TikTok
Shein China Trip
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Some idiotic influencers went on a propaganda trip and were either stupid enough to buy it whole hog or were smart enough to fulfill their contractual obligations. Obviously, it is bad that Shein is dolling out the propaganda, and even worse that the influencers agreed to it. There is another element that is illuminating, and it’s that people don’t know how to talk about why it’s bad. To me, it’s very straightforward propaganda via a lie. A company with human rights violations hired a bunch of people whose careers exist because of how well they parrot corporate soundbites to parrot corporate soundbites about how they don’t commit human rights violations. It is not more complicated than that. However, everyone who decided it was their job to really dissect this, can’t put that fine a point on it. They use helpful descriptive words like “weird” and “bad vibes” as if it is not immediately clear what is happening. This does not require a lot of input if you understand what’s happening. There are not really many nuances or reactions to provide beyond that’s bad. Yet somehow the TikTok “let’s talk about it” industrial complex continues on without much of anything to say or articulate. It would be one thing if we didn’t all know the extent to which Shein uses sweatshops and underpays their workers in hazardous conditions, but we do.
Grimace Shake
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Grimace goes to TikTok. While the more playful and older set on Twitter took to Grimace and his shake with open arms, the TikTok kids see it as poison. They see Grimace’s dubious origins not as something worth celebrating but something to be wary of. Grimace is a mysterious creature and his food cannot be trusted. The videos are a response to this deeply held cultural belief among Gen Z. Each generation must have its own version of “Don’t Forget those frosty shakes, made from Polluted lakes.”
Light Work No Reaction
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Is this a particularly inventive or interesting way to talk about spending money? No. Is it relatable as hell? Of course! Sometimes we run out of things to talk about and we have to say them again. I will always spend $7 on an iced coffee without thinking but balk at the price of groceries. Every so often we should discuss this to remind ourselves of our bad habits.
"the TikTok “let’s talk about it” industrial complex" I'm dying
“the sparkle and poison of a vulture’s grift”... kathryn wow ❤️