The Couch
The Couch brings together two of our favorite things to fight about. Thrifting and Hygiene. We’re all fake intellectuals when it comes to interior design, except for my personal fave, Cocaine Decor, so we can all talk out our asses about this street find knock off designer couch, without really saying anything. The point of the meme depends on which side you fall on, either it’s dirty because the girl who found it, found it on the street or you’re making fun of her for thinking the couch was real. Either way I’m a little who cares? It’s the TikTok discussion topic of the week, the woman we’ve chosen to ridicule for her personal life choices. This one is the most undeserved in a while, but it failed to gain any real traction outside of arm chair interior decorators, so it all evens out in the wash.
How Do You Serve Cunt
Is it really better on bluesky? Are they smarter and funnier and crafting little witticisms like we used to? Is there fresh content away from the tumblr exiles and puriteens? Could we be free from quote tweet bait over there? I still don’t have an invite code so I don’t know. I hope there is a place over there where people aren’t asking stupid questions and we have to pretend to have fun with it. After this week I feel no closer to understanding how to serve cunt in a way that supports public transportation, even though everyone has chimed in. Endless voices, spewing information, and still none of it is useful.
TikTok
Hoisin Sauce
I meant to include this last week and forgot. I’m obsessed with the original and I think everyone trying to relate by using the sound is missing the point. How in the world do you accumulate 4 bottles of hoisin sauce without realizing it? We’ve all bought more than one sauce, to find out we have one in the fridge. Two is common, and 3 is understandable but 4? How? I marvel at him, and I am amazed by him.
Everyone else has yet to wow me. First of all if you have 4 of something shelf stable, it doesn’t count. You have four cans of black beans? So does everyone. They last forever. Same goes for things that rot. You have 4 onions? They’re a versatile ingredient in many dishes! Makes sense! I’m also disinterested in people buying things with varieties of flavor. One woman had like seven different hummuses but there was a sampling of flavors. That is a lot but it’s a different problem. There’s also things that fall under the same category of food but aren’t the same product. You can have 4 “hot sauces” but they’re not the same and you didn’t buy them by accident. Everyone knows Tabasco, Cholula, and Sriracha are 3 different kinds of sauce, even if they all are hot sauce, and you can add hot sauce to anything. If it’s versatile, and used in large quantities it doesn’t count.
This man, this hero, went to the grocery store 4 separate times and bought the exact same bottle of Hoisin sauce 4 times. It’s hoisin. It has a very specific taste. You can use it for a variety of different things, but at the end of the day, you have 4 bottles of hoisin, and I assume this guy uses for one or two different things. It’s simply not the same as the people who really love something buying multiples. It’s the same as needing a sauce in your arsenal and suddenly having more of it than you could ever know what to do with. Very few understand this.
What I Named My Webkinz
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We can’t all be creative. Some of us do not have what it takes to name webkinz with thematically appropriate names. Some of us were nine year olds who let inspiration strike as it may, and it may have missed. Some of us just wanted to get to the game. What I love about these is that they are often so unique that they loop back around to being incredibly creative. Cardboard is a good name for a horse. As is rubber band. Alt girls naming their pet mice wish they had the minds of these 5th graders.
P for Papas
Like ancient Egypt before it, the internet is ruled by cats. This is not news but it is fun that a sound about doing a silly little dance with your cat can get this amount of traction still. It does not take rocket science to go viral, just a silly little dance and silly little nickname of the silly little guy that lives in your house.
I Need To Buy A Gun
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On particularly stupid and useless days, I would think about the little treat I was going to get from the Starbucks drive through. I would think about my order. What coffee to get today? What was in season? How hungry was I? How tired? I would try to keep it all straight in my head but eventually it all seemed futile. The only thing that would satisfy the ache in my soul would be a gun. Not really though. Just the idea of it. I needed a gun the way a high schooler needs a martini. I wouldn’t know what to do with it and I would immediately freak out if I actually had one. But sometimes it satisfies something to just say somebody get me a gun even though we know, and almost especially because we know, no one will bring it to us.