Hello, sorry for the delay. I was moving to New York City!!!!!! While I was accomplishing a lifelong dream and flying by the seat of my pants, I was unfortunately unable to devote time to my dearest subscribers. Last week was a big week on the internet but I hope you were all able to discern for yourselves what was good and what was annoying. If not, that’s what I’m here for. I’m here now. Let’s get to it.
Dune! Dune! Dune! America’s favorite Sci-Fi series is back!! After years of being fed marvel schlock we’re ready for something a little bit more complicated. We’re ready for an epic with bright colors shot on location with real movie stars. I love Dune. I love the place it holds in culture and I love that we’re all excited for it. I think what I love the most about it is that I never know what is coming next. None of it is predictive and all of it is cool. The sandworm, the sandwalk, the bene gesserit. Every part of it is just not what I’m expecting and I’ve learned to let go of expectation when it comes to dune. The memes make the experience better. We’re all here together. It makes me believe in the promises of the Nicole Kidman AMC monologue. The memes are for all types of fans working together. It’s people who read the books coming to the rest of us with lore and the common folk meeting them halfway with a pen and pencil. Nerds and non-nerds are at their best when it comes to Dune. Those who know reach out their hands to provide us simpletons with lore and we gladly take it, ready to learn what happens in Dune Messiah.
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I also love the metatextual narrative about movie stardom that is ingrained in the film. Timothee Chalamet, our previously anointed movie star of the late teens/early twenties must fight off Austin Butler, the Cain to his Able. Zendaya, Florence Pugh, Lea Sedoux, and Anya Taylor Joy all dance together on the international stage fighting for their place and star persona. Not a moment of screen time is wasted on some unknown face. I could spend hours talking about Dune as the perfect movie franchise for our modern movie stars. We tried to force it with big-budget superhero movies about nothing. However, true movie stars need to play something truly. It’s not about quippy lines and impressive set pieces. It’s about delivering the emotional truth of the planet Arrakis, even as silly as it might seem.
Willy Wonka Experience
Are you tired of this yet? Have you gotten bored with this as you get bored of everything? Another moment of another’s misery to relish in before we resume our favorite discourses? In my absence the Oompa Loompa started a cameo, the unknown unmasked herself, and Willy Wonka was canceled. It ends the way it always ends, with either a money grab or uncovering too much. This did not tickle me the way it tickled all of you. It reminded me of a core memory. I was in Disney World with my parents and we waited in line for an hour to go on a Narnia ride which turned out to be watching the trailer for The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe in an air-conditioned room and then leaving, back into the Orlando sun 2 minutes later. This was not my first experience with rip-offs and disappointments, but it was the most expensive. When I looked at the photos from the Wonka experience, all I could think of was the Narnia room. I was promised beloved children's entertainment and all they wanted was to sell me something I had already bought. I had seen the movie in theaters two years earlier! It was good for me to experience this and it was good for these children to be disappointed the way I was. I’m glad it brought you losers joy.
Where is Kate Middleton?
It’s funny that this seems to be a completely American phenomenon. The British are happy to believe whatever the firm tells them when it comes to recovery times for the future queen. Americans can’t help but connect the dots to accuse someone of being missing. We love a body double conspiracy. We’ll pull out the fake Melania playbook at a moment's notice. Add a little Shelly Miscavige and we’re cooking with gas. I’m sure British people had their quiet theories about what’s going on but we damn Yankees can’t keep our traps shut. It’s one of our major cultural differences! Even though Kate bullied our girl, Meghan, I think we still have a soft spot for her. Mostly because her husband is going bald. Or our true crime obsessions need to be satiated wherever they can be and Kate Middleton is as good a missing white girl as any.
Julie Ragbeer
I need us to say no every once in a while. It seems we always take the bait. Some girl paid for her music to be featured on Pop Tingz and everyone immediately clocked it as payola. We can’t just ignore these things we have to make a big deal out of every minuscule detail that happens. People seem to forget that in the attention economy, you can always choose to ignore something. In a way isn’t more unkind to make all this fanfare to then drop someone in a week? For the rest of the players in this game, it’s what they signed up for. It feels fair to give other people their 15 minutes of fame and forget about them naturally than to create this manufactured excitement when we don’t mean it at all. Don’t get her hopes up.
This 97-Year-Old New York Diner Still Serves Their Coke The Old Fashioned Way!
We have a new place that is inextricably linked between the internet and the real world. You can go to this diner and eat a meal but it is also a location to place any meme we might need to place somewhere. It’s less about the use of the meme but the induction into the canon. This meme was a utility. We all vaguely liked it so we needed to quickly induct it into the collective consciousness. It was almost joyless as we knew what we were doing. I don’t know that anyone would say it’s their favorite meme but it’s not supposed to be. It’s just another place we can go.
TikTok
Normally, I’d say the sad hamster is a continued trend of infantilization well past the point of being funny or clever. However, TikTok has been well documented to be deadsville as of late and I think everyone jumped on Sad Hamster and elevated it to a neutral format with both good and bad iterations. People are starting to play with the Sad Hamster as a character, beyond just a teenage girl in her twenties. The sad hamster is a mask anyone can wear at any time. No matter the age, gender, or typical temperament of the poster, anyone can be brought to the state of Sad Hamster. We are not above this low status and anyone could be subjugated to. Sad Hamster is a rage face in our modern language.
When I'm In A [x] Competition
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We seem to be a surge of creativity. We are playing with form once again. TikTok has elevated the “when I’m in a blank competition” meme and made the scenario more elaborate. This is not the Twitter version designed for cheap shots at pop divas and oomfies. This is about world-building and wordplay. The competition could be anything and your opponent could be anyone, make sure to set the right stage.
Me in 20 years
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It’s been a long time since everyone made use of such a simple premise like this and it’s been a long time since they’ve done it so well. Each version is funny and surprising. Kind-hearted without inspiring. These people are going to love their thot sons and gay daughters but they're still going to parent them, and that means coaching them and yelling at them to encourage them. Everyone is bringing their A-game and it proves that this website is not out of ideas. We could still have fun and be creative and we don’t need much to get us there. We need to enter the era of the Medium concept. There needs to be a barrier for entry but it doesn’t have to be high, just more complex than asking your boyfriend a question or stating your occupation.
Darling Guess Whos Back From Jail
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Sue me, I love him. I think “cartoonishly evil but sensitive boyfriend” is a fun addition to TikTok. He makes the edit landscape better and the guy doing the character is funny. I’m tired of everyone’s grounded attempts at relatability. I don’t want to see any more TikTok characters that are based on types of people I know. I want cartoons and catchphrases. Send in the clowns.
TikTok wants me to buy one of these soooo bad. I see 4 videos a day telling me which one I am. At Noon I was the egg and at 2 I am the moon. I watch every video to see if there are new ones. My interest is piqued but I am too old to buy stuffed animals. Unless…