Dating Show Clip
It’s so good. Dating reality shows are getting boring and it takes a lot to get anyone invested and now they’ve given us what we all crave even if we don’t want to admit it: Violence. We want shock and awe. Most importantly: we want physical comedy. This delivers on all those promises. Sometimes our simple caveman brains can only take so much. We crave the simplicity of the pit. Throw the woman in the pit if she has a boyfriend!!!
We Are The Daughters of The Witches You Couldn’t Burn
Tumblr did a number on all of us. We all try our best to forget it but occasionally we need to take our frustration with the culture it created on an easy target. Thirty something straight women who insist on still trying to be edgy with their bad dye jobs are the easiest of targets. We hate them because they will not accept their inherent basic-ness. There’s too many different kinds of people now. Subcultures are small and exclusive. Most people don’t have enough personality to actually be cool. Especially if they’re repeating slogans that have been printed on pillows for years. I could make fun of these people for literal hours but it’s punching down and we should all know better by now. We should only make fun of these people when we encounter them in the wild and have to deal with their repellent personalities irl.
Pete Davidson’s New York
This meme is a thinly veiled attempt to talk about Pete Davidson both for me and for twitter. Page Six did an incredible job with that headline and now we can all pretend to be joking when we talk about Pete. Has Page Six ever been wrong? Morally, yes but factually? Absolutely not. Who else does the city belong to if not Pete? I can’t think of a more iconic New Yorker. I can’t think of anyone else who owns the city the way he does. People keep being confused at why women are attracted to him, as if we didn’t spend that whole summer talking about Big Dick Energy and why he is the poster boy for it. Beyond that, people forget that real life is just like high school and everyone wants to fuck the funny bad boy who’s always in detention. It’s not rocket science. Kim Kardashian is no better than the rest of us, in fact she proves over and over again she’s a simple girl from the Valley. The rest of you feel the need to intellectualize your attraction to him in order to hide it and you are not fooling anyone. People who ask the question “why are women attracted to pete davidson?” Are really asking “why am I attracted to Pete Davidson?” and trying to make the rest of us think there’s some grand discourse to be had. There isn’t. Just go to the skate park and find yourself an age appropriate monster drinker and shut up.
Tiktok
We’re doing No Nuance November. I have no idea how this will play out. I want to see what everyone else comes up with but most takes simply aren’t hot enough. Get in the festive spirit and let those takes start coming. As for me and my No Nuance November takes? That’s one secret I’ll never tell.
Every Single Thing In It Is Mid
This sound has so much potential. We need to admit that more things are mid. Not good, not bad, just mid. I know this month is for No Nuance but some of you need it. It begins with the introduction of mid to the conversation. This sound is great but as a performance note if you don’t use the sped up version the sound takes too long and is unwatchable. It’s too loud and too slow.
I need a new approach to judging Bo Burnham sounds. I already wrote my big thoughts on him but these comedy girls are insatiable. If I want to stay current I have to keep up with Bo. I thought we could beat this thing but he just got engaged which means six more months of Bo sounds. I think my plan is to start guessing which one is next. I think we’re due for something from Words Words Words again or even his little watched MTV show, Zach Stone is Gonna Be Famous. I’ll work on making my guesses more accurate in the future but I don’t want to use my gift of prophecy to unleash more Bo on the world. For now I’ll keep it vague. If anyone has any guesses, please comment.
I hate this sound. I hate the way the girl swallows her words. Do you have marbles in your mouth? Speak up. Would it kill all of you to enunciate a little more? A couple “unique new york”s and “red leather yellow leather” before you start recording so your online presence is at least tolerable to a larger audience. Also this sound is just about wanting something and then getting it. Do we need a sound for that? Did we all collectively give up on creating interesting content and no one told me.
Parasocial Relationships Are Unhealthy
Most of you are too dumb to not take this sound seriously. I don’t trust any regular internet user to have a healthy attachment to anyone even remotely famous. I’m smart enough to know that you all think you’re joking and I’m here to tell you you’re not. None of this is healthy. We’re all iPad babies and we made a huge mistake when we decided the people on the screens were our friends instead of otherworldly divine beings. Neither are correct but let's stop pretending anyone who has or wants any kind of audience is a regular person. It’s time to start giving a parafuck and make real friends and invest in those relationships instead of acting like the instagram people care about you.