Meme Report 1/10

Crashed into MotherBerg on the RMSlay Cuntanic

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🌎Golden Globes Section 🌎

Selena Gomes Gossiping 

Video 

The Gorgeous and Normal Selena Gomez was Gossiping hard with T-Swizzle and Miles Teller’s Wife Keleigh. Selena Gomez is a little lost in the zeitgeist currently and we have no idea what to do with her, but I kind of hope we never figure it out. Just when I’m out, they pull me back in with her. She gossips like a pro, and even if this video isn’t about the totally real relationship between Timothee Chalamet and Kylie Jenner, it’s so compelling. You can tell she could make you care about gossip that doesn’t even matter. She could make any perceived sleight into a story to make your jaw drop. The video has staying power because Selena gives the performance of a lifetime, and she’s barely acting. 

Emma Stone Video 

Video

We do this almost year with various actors and actresses struggling to make their way to the stage at awards shows and this meme is nothing special or different. She does seem to have genuinely no idea where to go or how to get to the stage but we’re not really playing with that aspect of it. We’re only really reading it as “actress wins award” which is fine. It’s not the best Emma Stone meme but I’m glad we have another. I’m never going to say no to more Emma Stone!

🌎🌎🌎

Bass Pro Shops Man

Normally I have a rule that I don’t talk about news if the story is funnier than the jokes people are making. There’s no need to cover memes that aren’t funnier than the initial headline. However the photo of the Bass Pro Shops Man is so striking and beautiful, I had to cover it. The jokes are good, funny even, but I am obsessed with the mise-en-scene of the photo. It looks like the final scene of a play. We are in the balcony looking down on this man, this modern icarus. He is better than icarus though for he committed no natural crime. Why create an indoor body of water if not to swim? How dare we make these monuments of beauty and deny ourselves access to them for the sake of selling fishing rods and wading boots. Is it so wrong to take a dip in the fishing hole? He is Icarus if Icarus’s only crime was feeling the sunshine on his face on a warm summer day. It is not his fault, we are so obsessed with artifice. And yet he must suffer anyway. They must make an example of him, cold and ashamed, lying naked on the floor.

Eucalyptus Man

Jacob Elordi Update: He’s currently running the table on everyone. He’s in 2 awards contenders this year, He’s got projects on deck, and he’s 6’5. He’s in the halcyon days of being a White Boy of the Month. This is his proverbial month. Of course, one could not escape this stretch without some kind of playful nickname. Someone has to point out the flaw that makes him so beloved. His achilles heel of stardom. While simple philistines think his height makes him hot, everyone knows 6 '3 is the perfect height and everything above that is unnerving. From the perspective of short girls who want a tall boyfriend, that is. I’m 6’1 so Jacob Elordi is regular to me. This week someone was able to put poetry to Jacob’s drawback. They dubbed him the eucalyptus man and already the people who are trying to downplay how horny he makes them have adopted it as a cute moniker. Another successful qualifying event in his White Boy of the Month run. 

Mother Variations

It’s inauthentic! You’re having an inauthentic moment! We’re trying to apply preheating my oven logic to this meme and it’s not working. We’re accelerating past what is funny and just trying to be the most esoteric and annoying. Who can do the most insane construction of language and be the most absurd The thing about twitter is that we’re all here together so we all see what the others are posting and we adopt each other's language and become aware of subcultures outside our own. When we add more people the game gets rough and competitive and is no longer about play, it’s about winning. When it becomes about winning it gets less interesting and creative. There’s a competitive edge to the posts now and they give me a headache trying to read them instead of making me laugh. It feels like if you weren’t there for the mother lake, then you don’t get to shit in the mother toilet, let alone go to Guantanamo Slay. 

TikTok

Every 13 Year Old Girl Book

I love this trend. This trend is great for people who were assigned the label “readers” and took to it. The thing about reading as a kid is that you are forced to do so much and if you are any kind of voracious reader, you will inevitably read a lot of forgettable garbage because independent reading time is endless and you’re going through books faster than you’re developing as a person. You’re stuck in a middle ground of Young Adult forever. So instead of delving into the classics, you read CRANK a 600 page book of poems about being addicted to crystal meth, which you can knock out in a day. This trend is reminding me of all the books I read when I thought I’d have that attention span forever and wasted it on Pretty Little Liars instead of Swann's Way. 

I Grew Up On Sports Talk Radio

Just when I thought we had discussed every human experience known to man, we finally get to one I had almost fully blocked out. Listening to sports talk radio with your father in the car. For those that have never listened, it feels like a wall of sound coming at you, while people call in and mouth off about what you think might be a possible Red Sox trade, but you’re not sure. In New England, where I grew up, it is every possible iteration of our regional accents calling from the world’s oldest payphone. There is not one pleasant sound emulating from the radio. It is just what you want to hear as you get out of driver’s ed at 9:00 pm in the middle of February. It was upsetting and unsettling at the time but I have a fondness for it the same way I have a fondness for other parts of my childhood that are no longer present and I would not return to. I would never willingly listen to that now but I’m glad me and the other girls are connecting over that experience.  Another reminder that adulthood is awesome and being a kid sucked. 

In The Sense That

@eli_orwhateverA valid question tho

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Some of you… are stupid. There are very few people actually nailing what the original clip portrays. In order to do that, the speaker would have to be in the wrong and reveal their own prejudices, which the nerds of tiktok can’t handle. What Kelly Osborne says does not illicit the reaction that it does because it’s a secret truth, which is what most of the people doing the trend seem to think. She’s revealing her own racism in trying gotcha Donald Trump. Everyone doing this trend wants to achieve the same gotcha, not understanding that the reaction she gets is because she is also wrong. It’s no surprise that this trend is populated by too-online tumblr exiles with former gifted kid syndrome who were never that gifted to begin with. I’m ready for it to be over.