NFTs. We hate them. We don’t understand them. They don’t make sense and they are probably a large money laundering scheme. Every day we sit on the edge of our seats wondering if our favorite obscenely wealthy symbol of humanity will disappoint us in a new way and become the proud owner of a Non Fungible Token. While every day is a new horror in many respects, these NFT celebrities are not random. We can use our brains and think of how and why each celebrity gets into NFTs. We could maybe even predict who is next. Below I present a review of who has already invested in NFTs and how surprising that is on a scale of 1 to 5 and the reasoning behind it. I don’t really have interest in the difference between making an NFT and owning an NFT because at the end of the day they are still endorsing it and contributing to the culture.
When I started this draft this week I did not think everyone else would also be writing about it. I did not realize everyone was so worked up about this that it needed multiple investigative reports. This post is more of just for jokes and fun vibe. If you want to go deep into the conspiracy, Max Read’s newsletter gets to the bottom of it, spoiler alert, it’s CAA. More or less, a few people on this list are not repped by CAA and I suspect the longer this goes on, the other big agencies will want to get in on this. For more of an explainer on why Celebrities getting into NFTs is bad besides all the obvious reasons, Amanda Mull got to the bottom of it for the Atlantic. I am not a journalist, so I can’t provide that kind of insight. I can only use my cultural understanding to be right all the time about everything.
Paris Hilton
1, Not Surprising
This one is not shocking to me. Paris has a storied love of technology. There’s several rumors about Paris having a love of repairing old radios in her free time. She has a love of technology and I very easily see that translating into NFTs. She is also an aquarius and we’re very taken with the idea of the future. If she sees NFTs as the future, she’s not necessarily correct but she will follow her passion to the ends of the earth. We have a love of what’s possible and while I see NFTs as a harbinger of doom, I bet she sees them as a gateway to the new world. This unfortunately puts all celebrity aquarians on notice. If your fave is an aquarius be on the lookout.
Reese Witherspoon
3, Somewhat Surprising
Reese Witherspoon would promote guns and cocaine if we told her they were woman owned. I love her to death but our foremost feminist thinker she is not. She’s working with NFT girlies to promote women in STEM because someone thought it would be good for 1) her brand and 2) women. NFTs are the Big Little Lies of the tech world. Mostly good, getting worse with age, and really only beneficial for rich white women. If Reese can be taken by these people, all of our favorite white feminists are next. Proving Crypto isn’t a boys game feels like a useless gesture but I can see how it would seem like a problem from the ivory tower.
It hurts but I’ve learned to temper my expectations with Gwyneth. Any thing she does that’s not acting is upsetting to me. However nothing phases me anymore. If the Yoni egg didn’t send me over the edge. This surely wouldn’t. Gwyneth loves the new and the now. She’s on board for whatever bad things the future holds as long as they are expensive. We’re sad but are we really surprised? Gwyneth had to be first on the NFT train before she got scooped by her many imitators. All the celebrity lifestyle gurus are sure to follow in her footsteps.
Lindsay Lohan
I did forget that it hers was Furry themed which is shocking and a fun turn of events.
2, Barely Surprising
This is the final entry in my problematic faves of white women who ultimately endlessly disappoint me. The meanest thing I can think to say is that I didn’t realize Lindsay had enough money to get into NFTs, but I would never say that in print. NFTs are a way to stay relevant in the current moment and since Lindsay is mounting a comeback, it makes sense that she would invest in this. It gets her press, it get her attention, it makes her relevant. Anyone looking to return to respected celebrity will look to NFTs to get them a jump start in their comeback press cycle. An even better way to get good will would be to buy an NFT and then return it like Richard Karn.
Liam Payne
1, Not Surprising
The ugliest member of One Direction is fighting to stay relevant. Just like the fourth best player on the football team from your high school, he’s getting into crypto. Of course because he’s a wealthy celeb he can attach his face to an NFT and use it as a marketing tactic. I’m predicting more people who were once famous as part of a group to distinguish themselves by being the member who got into NFTs.
Grimes
1, Not Surprising
This one should be zero. This was a gimmie. Grimes is unlike any other celebrity so she’s impossible to use a benchmark for anyone else.
Justin Bieber
1, Not Surprising
As time time has gone on Justin Bieber has gone from pretty boy teen heart throb to tattooed gas station attendant heart throb. He has continued to behave as such. He falls into the category of celebs who had bitcoin already and would have talked to you about it in person, if you knew him IRL. I’m making that assumption because guys that look like always love crypto. All of his imitators and acolytes will follow in his footsteps, not to copy him but because they all share one brain cell.
Lance Armstrong is making bad decisions? in 2022? But he was always so talented and trustworthy…
Jimmy Fallon
2, Barely Surprising
Jimmy Fallon became an establishment puppet long ago. The Tonight Show took his soul and he has become a shadow of his former self. He sits behind that desk and does what he’s told. He normalizes everything and redeems everyone. If you want your product cleaned and sold to the public, be that a person or an actual item, send them to Jimmy. The man that played with Trump’s hair before the election will do anything for approval. Our similarly minded status quo representatives will do the same.
Rob McElhenney has so far used his wealth (that he was not born into) for fun and silliness. Wouldn’t it be absolutely goofy to own a welsh soccer team? He overplayed his hand with NFTs. The ivory tower got a little too high. He’s still down to earth enough to respond to criticism, so not a completely lost cause. Watch out for others who throw their wealth around in other fun ways. They might not all be as receptive to being yelled at on Twitter.
Shawn Mendes
3, Somewhat Surprising
He seems simple and easy to manipulate. One person has to tell him it’s good for his image for him to respond “Awesome.” and sign his name to an NFT. He’s just happy to be here and doesn’t have much to say. He has a rabid fan base who worships at his feet and has very little personality. In other words, he’s the perfect spokesperson for anybody to promote anything.
Serena Williams
1, Not Surprising
This one is sadly not surprising and provides the framework for understanding all future celebrity NFTs. I was once laughed at by a professor when I asked if it was important to consider who people were married to when talking about connections getting you ahead in the film industry. I knew I was right then and I know I’m right now. Serena Williams is married to THE reddit guy. He may be kind hearted and a sweet husband but he’s still a tech guy. They love NFTs and making the future as horrible as possible. He’s bringing his wife down with him. Follow the money and also the family trees.
Five Celebrities Who Will Get Into NFTs
LeBron James
At a certain point I think a lot of celebrities are going to get involved with NFTs to deal with copyright infringement. If I were Lebron, and there were a whole brand of NFTs devoted to my images, I would try to get ahead of it. Why own a LeBron NFT if it’s not really associated with him? Shouldn’t he just make his own. I’m not advocating for it but it just feels like common sense that I would want a piece of the pie if people were making money off of my image and accomplishments.
Karlie Kloss
Kushner husband. Plus she loves tech. She’ll probably code it herself.
Willow Smith
This one hurts because I love her but I think the things that I love about her will be manipulated into making her Pro-NFT. She also loves the future and new ideas and what’s possible. She has a curious mind and a big imagination. The problem with big tech is that preys on idealists who want a better world and takes their language. If I didn’t know better I would think my interests were aligned big tech. I also have nothing to gain from aligning with them, whereas Willow definitely does.
David Dobrik
This one is so obvious it feels like cheating. He has to mount a comeback at some point and no better way to get your rabid annoying fanbase foaming at the mouth than free money. The David Dobrik NFT giveaway will surely get more people on his side again and catapult him to a comfy post cancellation existence.
Bethenny Frankel
She’s a woman in business. She loves women and she loves business. The best way to continue to be a woman in business and differentiate your brand from the Real Housewives is to get an NFT. Celebrity at its lower levels is all about legitimacy and distinguishment. Former Reality Stars with money who want to prove they are more than that will of course turn to NFTs. Gwyneth has an NFT, real celebrities have NFTs, therefore having an NFT makes one a real celebrity, to some people (maybe no one). Bethenny is the exact kind of reacher who would get an NFT. Eventually all the Real Housewives will probably dabble in NFTs but if Bethenny is smart, and wants to separate herself from that brand she’ll be one of the first. (Teresa Giudice already has one)
